Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Hard Times and Nursery Rhymes

Today is one of my days off from work. I love having week days off from work because I can always "get shit done" without the fucking weekend crowds. I just made my second trip of the week to Target in Brooklyn ( at the Atlantic/Pacific station). Not only do I like the PRICES of Target but I also enjoy the FLOOR SHOW!! I love the contrast of the Hasids and the Blacks shopping together. It is also one place where both groups seem to get along. ( I enjoy seeing people get along as much as I like to pet a dog I have never pet before). When the Hasidic children want candy, the mom with the 5 dollar wig usually says "it's not Kosher." When the Black children want candy, the mom says " we already got candy, relax yourself..!!" I LOVE TARGET!

Target early in the day is the time to go. Today I arrived at Target around 1pm and left at 2pm. I purchased Market Pantry "ultra weight loss shake" ( the generic slim fast to help me control my fatness) ; 3 bottles of Poland Spring Lime Sparkling water ( for Anne - whats wrong with tap water I like to ask......) ; Crest baking soda toothpaste 2 pack ; Huggie's natural care baby wipes ( my friend Scott says you are not clean unless you use baby wipes) ; white cheddar popcorn seasoning (don't tell my Anne I am buying processed food to put on processed food because I am supposed to eat fruits and vegetables and not popcorn with popcorn seasoning) ; a violet button down 100 percent oxford shirt- hard to find 100 percent cotton oxford shirts and Macy's and Bloomingdales are total fucking rip-offs ) and a box of Little Debbie Nutty Bars!( please don't tell Anne I am eating processed food like Nutty Bars because I should be in the gym getting rid of my "spare tire" and eating carrots and oranges).

While shopping at Target I noticed the new Social Distortion cd "Hard Times and Nursery Crimes" on the shelf for $9.99. I thought to myself "wow, I don't think this comes out till January 18". The staff at Target is pretty fucking stupid. If you ask them for an HDMI cable to connect your blu ray player to your T.V. a confused retarded deer in the headlights look comes over their face - but if you ask where the POTATO CHIPS are located they will walk you over to the section and make recommendations. Mm Hmm.

I threw the new Social Distortion cd into my basket. When I got to the checkout the cashier tried to scan the cd and it wouldn't scan. She asked "Did you find this on the shelves?" I wanted to say "NO, I PURCHASED IT AT ANOTHER STORE AND BROUGHT IT IN HERE TO PURCHASE AGAIN YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!!!!!!!" I said "yes, I found it on the shelves." She said I had to come back on January 18th to purchase the cd. ( but reminded me they had 32 different types of potato chips on the shelves...just kidding).

As I left target I texted my friend Harry and told him Target would not let me purchase the new Social Distortion cd. Fifteen minutes later Harry texted me back and said " I JUST DOWNLOADED THE NEW SOCIAL DISTORTION CD FREE FROM THE INTERNET!!!!" I like Harry. I l like the internet. I like Target . (most of the time)

-Brother Mike Cohen

Saturday, January 8, 2011

New Years Resolutions Part 2!

When in the middle of my work shift one of my mexican co workers says to me " EGG SALSA SANDJO INNA ATIUM" and I say "WHAT?" and he says " EGGS SALA DANJO TUNA ATTTUM" and I say "WHAT??" and he says " EGGLO SALLY INNA ALIEN" and I say EGG SALAD SANDWICH IN THE ATM ??? and he points to the back of the resturante I will not lose my patiene nor my temper and realize he is trying to say "TABLE 6 NEEDS A CHECK"!!!!!

When I have my daily snack at my job which includes a banana, low fat yogurt, and a luna bar - which is all the daily nutrition that a woman needs- I will not hide in the back room because I am embarrised that I am eating a LUNA bar( all the daily nutrion that a woman needs) I will proudly eat in front of the customers and the staff and show off my LUNA bar and tell everyone that is giving me funny looks that a LUNA BAR IS ALL THE NUTRITION THAT A WOMAN NEEDS AND THAT IS HOW I GET MY DAILY NUTRITION and be proud.

when my work shift is over and i look at my phone and check my messages and see that my doctor, DR WOO, has left a message I will not think out loud OH SANK YOU FOR CALLING ME DR WOO, WILL COME FOR APPOINTMENT AND BRING NICE BIG BOWL OF CHOP SUEY FOR YOU ......DR WOO!!! because Dr Woo was born in the United States and does not speak like that and my friend Harry told me that is politically incorrect!!!!

As the evening comes to an end and I have just finished watching a net flix with Anne and I INSIST on mailing the net flix at the mail box that picks up mail at 7am the next day so we can get another movie as soon as possible I will not secretly make a trip to the brand new 7-11 that just opened between her apartment and the mail box and get the special TWO SLICES OF CHEESE PIZZA FOR $2.22 plus tax AND a microwave-able bean + cheese burrito that I will make in the 7-11 mircowave and chow it all down before I return to anne's place because I already had dinner 2 hours earlier and need to eat heathier and lose weight!!!!!

Before I go to sleep and look at facebook one more time and see that one of my college friends is getting married and read all the congratulatory comments I will not add " I AM STILL A HOMOSEXUAL. MEN MEN MEN!!!!!"

These are my new years resolutions......for 2012 !!

-Brother Mike Cohen

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Out Takes - Bar Stool Prophets by Ethan H. Minsker


A month more of winter and it would be done said the news, but standing outside at 1 a.m. in the cold I couldn’t see the end. The street lamps glowed with a soft halo as the snow fell. Avenue A was devoid of people and cars. The blizzard kept most people hunkered down at home. It was quiet except for the occasional plow and the snow crunching under my feet. I just wanted to see the snow and had no direction in mind. I owned the street and walked down its middle for a few blocks, then was forced onto the sidewalk when a plow passed. Scooping snow off the top of a parked car, I made a snowball, packed it tight, shaved down the bumpy spots. A figure made its way towards me, the jacket hood of their jacket was up and filled with a giant head.

“Hey,” the figure said.

I peered into the eyes and recognized Cinda. “What’s up, Big Head?” I said.

We had stopped hanging out when I started working at the bars. I had the impression that she thought I was better than her, cooler, or that she thought I thought so.

“Don’t fucking call me that!” she said, hitting me hard on the arm. “Some guys are following me saying fucked up things.”

“Where?” I looked around but saw nothing and added, “What did they say?”

“You know, like ‘Come back with us, baby, and we’ll keep you warm.’”

“How can they even tell you’re a girl?”

“I don’t think they care.”

I looked again. There were three of them. An orange knit hat peeked out from under the hood of the largest one. He mumbled something as they passed.

I took the snowball and hit the largest one in the center of his back. I wanted to hit him in the head, right on the orange knit hat, but my aim wasn’t that good. He turned and came back. It took a moment before his friends knew he wasn’t walking with them.

“Hey, what’s your fucking problem?” He was European, maybe German.

“Why, are you guys giving her a hard time?” I asked. “There are three of you, and just one of her?”

“Fuck you, man!” He gave me a shove.

The two friends came and tried to pull him away. I grabbed my brass knuckles, and when the big one lunged for me, I punched him in his chest. His arms crashed to his side. He stepped back rubbing the spot. “Let’s go,” he said to his friends and they took off.

Cinda looked at me. Her lips stretched into a stringy smile. “Thanks.”

“I didn’t think it would turn into a fight,” I said and wiped the sweat that had formed on my forehead. “Well, maybe a snowball fight. I haven’t seen you in such a long time, you should come by the bar.”

“I’m not going to that bar,” she said snarling.


“It’s a hipster bar.”

“Not on the weekends. Then it’s bridge-and-tunnel. The weekdays are for the locals.”

“Yeah well, I’m not cool enough to hang out there.” Cinda was a constant curmudgeon.

“Don’t you want to see Orlando?”

“Why? You ruined him,” she hissed.

“What does that mean?”

“He used to be nice and polite. Now he’s a rude coke-head.”

“I have nothing to do with that.”

“You’re the one who started taking him to bars when he should have been staying in high school.”

I had nothing to do with his drug habits and wasn’t going to take the burden. I had already gone through the guilt and surmised that if he was susceptible to coke it didn’t matter the environment. In New York City at some point he would encounter it and it was up to him to say no. “What else have you been up too?”

“Art school. I have to finish one more class.”

“You should have been done long ago.”

“I got into a fight with one of my teachers.”

“A fistfight?”


“What happened?”

“I had to switch schools. I go to Parsons now.”

“Why did you get into the fight?”

“I didn’t like what she said about my art. She was a stupid cunt and would always give me shit so I couldn’t take it anymore. I slapped her good.”

As we said our goodbyes I realized it was best that she didn’t want to come to the bar. I didn’t need any help getting into fights.


A week later I was in the Z Bar having a soda when a tall man sat next to me. An orange knit hat was tucked in his jacket pocket. He had a wide-open face with sandy hair. The German.

“It was you who hit me with the snowball?” he said.

I looked at him and smiled. I knew everyone in the bar, and he didn’t. “Yep.”

With a goofy smile, he said, “You punch very hard.” He took a sip of beer.

“I had on these.” I pulled the brass knuckles from my pocket and dropped them on the bar in front of him.

“They work well. I need some of those.”

“You can get them in Chinatown if you look around.”

“Hey, thanks… No hard feelings,” he said and held his hand out.

We shook.

New Years Resolutions for 2011 (PART ONE)

These are my new years resolution for 2011.

When I wake up in the morning I will no longer say "CMERE SWEETIE, CMERE LITTLE SWEETIE PIE" because my cat died a month ago and I like to pretend she is still alive by calling her "CMERE LITTLE PUSSY CAT COME UP ON THE BED!!!!" Someone accused me of liking animals more than humans...SO ? whats the problem.

After I chug my ice coffee and take my first shit of the day, I will not look up to the heavens and say THANK GOD THANK CHRIST THANK GOD THANK CHRIST because maybe there really is a god or a christ and they have a secret nanny cam in my apartment and they are watching me and when I die I could be in a shitload of trouble but not necessarily because I am IN FACT thanking them for letting me take a really wonderful shit and not making fun of them unless of course they ( the gods) are not happy that they only time they pop in my mind is when my pants are down and I am sitting on the can.

I also ask for Gods help when playing Scrabble with Anne...when she scores 78 points by adding an S to my Q word I tend to look up to the heavens and exclaim GOD HELP ME...GOD HELP ME!!! Not sure I believe in God but if I die and there is a god I want to be in good standing. My sister told me there is no god because why did he let all of our people die in the holocaust? I said "I went to summer camp with OUR PEOPLE and have an idea about why god let OUR people die in the holocost"

Oh year, no more jew bashing in the coming year. I love the jewish people - especially when they send thier hamburger back to the cook at the restaurante where I work - THIS IS NOT MEDIUM WELL !!!!

As I exit my east village apartment and head towards the train to make my way to work in Park Slope, I will not cover my mouth and shout things out like I NEED A BIG BLACK DICK IN MY MOUTH ...I NEED A BIG BLACK COCK IN MY ASS...MEN MEN MEN...SPORTS AND MEN...DINNER...BLACK COCK......I will simply walk to the train and enjoy the fresh air and the sunshine.

While I am waiting for the train and observe the teenagers with the baggy pants I will not think horrible things about the silly teens like " I hope you trip over your baggy pants and get hit by the fucking train you fucking idiots!!!" When I was a teenager and did my stupid fashion statements, I was still dressed and ready to run from the law if need be. I dont know how todays baggy pants teens can run from the law when their pants our slowing them down.

When I am exiting the train and people waiting to get on the train are in my way I will not say to them WHAT THE FUCK? JUST WANNA EXIT...JUST WANNA EXIT....WHAT THE FUCK????

When I get off the train in Brooklyn I will not wait around at the platform for everyone to exit so I can reach into my tote bag and pull out the white stickers with black sharpie writing that I have made that have a cartoon bubble with MM HMM and NOW LOOKUM HERE written on the stickers and put them on the advertisements with African Americans so it looks as if the African Americans are saying MM HMM or NOW LOOKUM HERE because my friend Harry tells me there are cameres in the subways and I could get into trouble. Mm hmm.

As I make the short walk from the train to my job and I see strange dogs on the street I will not look at the dogs, raise my index finger , and say " HI SWEETIE!!!! HI LITTLE HONEY PIE!! WHO'S A GOOD DOG?? WHO IS A GOOD PROUD DOG?? I LIKE DOGS!!!"

Once I begin my work shift ( as a waiter at my friends restaurante) and some pain in the ass customer whom I just served a glass of water to as they sat down asks for A LEMON for their water I will not say "OH , SOMETHING FREE IN SOMETHING FREE" because good customer service is our goal.

When a pain in the ass jew talking on their cell phone enters the restaurante I will not speak in code to my friend and say "DID I EVER TELL YOU ABOUT SUMMER CAMP? which is code for a pain in the ass jew on a cell phone just walked in because I work for tips and I am trying to be kind to the jews in the forthcoming year...


-Brother Mike Cohen

Sunday, January 2, 2011

My Ears Still Ringin'

My ears still ringing from Prince show last night at the Garden (even though I had my ear plugs in the whole time)- what are you gonna do? Currently I am listening to the Grateful Dead "Greatest Oakland Show Ever 12-28-79" on the Ipod dock. I know a lot of you "tough New Yorkers" hate the dead but thats okay because I don't like Interpol nor the New York Yankees. ( men and sports, etc.)

It is that once a month time again...SUNDAY JANUARY 2, 20011....we are going to have another reading/spoken word event at Black and White Bar located on East 10th Street between 3rd and 4th Ave in the East Village on NYC. Black and White is also know as the "86 ANTI-SOCIAL CLUB but keep that on the down low. Speaking of "down low"..........

I used to usher at a theatre in Buffalo called the Shea's Buffalo when I was a teenager. It was volunteer work but we used to see all the shows for free. ( U-2 on the War tour, Yul Brenner in "The King and I", Frank Zappa, etc.) One night I was working the Kool and the Gang show and it was the first time I was at an African Amercian concert. There was an African American patron at the show who called himself "PAY LOW" because, as he said, " I don't make a lot of money". Pay Low kept telling me that he was gonna get us backstage to the VIP room when the show was over. He never got me to the VIP room. Another patron put his arm around me and asked where the bathroom was. He also lifted my Sheas Buffalo usher tag with my name on it thinking it would get him somewhere special. I didn't realize my usher tag had been lifted for about 30 minutes. I miss Buffalo. Kool and the Gang were fucking great.

Fahrenheit at Black and White is also fucking great. You get 5 minutes to tell a story, jokes, poetry, song, etc.

Start time is 8pm and it ends at 10pm. We had a great reading last month with a great crowd and we hope all you swingin' dicks return. It is not always a "sausage factory" and we have lots of female readers. We encourage homosexuals to come and read and tell us their dirty secrets. ( MEN MEN MEN!!! nudge nudge wink wink)

See you SUNDAY JANUARY 2, 2010 at BLACK + WHITE bar located on East 10th St between 3rd and 4th Avenue in the East Village of NYC.
8:00pm - 10:00pm...loosely brought to you by the Antagonist Movement.

My pal Lach told me to "BCC" my email this time....I am new to this and going to attempt. Men.

Sent from my new Mac Book Pro...Brother Mike "the sunshine bores the daylights out of me"

Brother Mike Cohen
12.30.2010, NYC