That's Jesus Speakin' To Me!

A few years ago I used to have a routine. Five days a week I worked at the Virgin Megastore Union Square and on my two days off from work I would have a bagel and read the New York Post at David Bagel on 1st Avenue between 13th and 14th Street. I would wake up on my day off and not have my first coffee until I arrived at David Bagel. At David Bagel I would order a large coffee and a whole wheat bagel with extra veggie tofu. I would read my New York Post from front to back and enjoy my coffee and bagel. At the end of my meal I would feel a bowel movement coming on but I would attempt to hold it until I got home. ( Home was a 7 minute walk from David Bagel.) As I walked I felt like I would not be able to hold it and that I was gonna shit my pants but my ass muscles are pretty good to hold in the first shit of the day that was awakened by a large coffee, whole wheat bagel, and extra veggie tofu. 7 minutes seemed like a long time but I would do it. When I reached my building I would run up two steps at a time to the fourth floor. After entering my apartment I would take all of my clothes off and turn the stereo on and FINALLY sit down on the toilet. The shit would come out of my ass with gusto and I would look up towards the heavens and exclaim "THAT IS JESUS SPEAKIN' TO ME..THAT IS JESUS H. CHRIST SPEAKING TO ME..THANK GOD..THANK CHRIST..THAT IS JESUS FUCKING CHRIST SPEAKING TO ME!!!" My cat would be staring at me from the kitchen wondering what was happening.

-Brother Mike Cohen, NYC