Hard Times and Nursery Rhymes

Today is one of my days off from work. I love having week days off from work because I can always "get shit done" without the fucking weekend crowds. I just made my second trip of the week to Target in Brooklyn ( at the Atlantic/Pacific station). Not only do I like the PRICES of Target but I also enjoy the FLOOR SHOW!! I love the contrast of the Hasids and the Blacks shopping together. It is also one place where both groups seem to get along. ( I enjoy seeing people get along as much as I like to pet a dog I have never pet before). When the Hasidic children want candy, the mom with the 5 dollar wig usually says "it's not Kosher." When the Black children want candy, the mom says " we already got candy, relax yourself..!!" I LOVE TARGET!

Target early in the day is the time to go. Today I arrived at Target around 1pm and left at 2pm. I purchased Market Pantry "ultra weight loss shake" ( the generic slim fast to help me control my fatness) ; 3 bottles of Poland Spring Lime Sparkling water ( for Anne - whats wrong with tap water I like to ask......) ; Crest baking soda toothpaste 2 pack ; Huggie's natural care baby wipes ( my friend Scott says you are not clean unless you use baby wipes) ; white cheddar popcorn seasoning (don't tell my Anne I am buying processed food to put on processed food because I am supposed to eat fruits and vegetables and not popcorn with popcorn seasoning) ; a violet button down 100 percent oxford shirt- hard to find 100 percent cotton oxford shirts and Macy's and Bloomingdales are total fucking rip-offs ) and a box of Little Debbie Nutty Bars!( please don't tell Anne I am eating processed food like Nutty Bars because I should be in the gym getting rid of my "spare tire" and eating carrots and oranges).

While shopping at Target I noticed the new Social Distortion cd "Hard Times and Nursery Crimes" on the shelf for $9.99. I thought to myself "wow, I don't think this comes out till January 18". The staff at Target is pretty fucking stupid. If you ask them for an HDMI cable to connect your blu ray player to your T.V. a confused retarded deer in the headlights look comes over their face - but if you ask where the POTATO CHIPS are located they will walk you over to the section and make recommendations. Mm Hmm.

I threw the new Social Distortion cd into my basket. When I got to the checkout the cashier tried to scan the cd and it wouldn't scan. She asked "Did you find this on the shelves?" I wanted to say "NO, I PURCHASED IT AT ANOTHER STORE AND BROUGHT IT IN HERE TO PURCHASE AGAIN YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!!!!!!!" I said "yes, I found it on the shelves." She said I had to come back on January 18th to purchase the cd. ( but reminded me they had 32 different types of potato chips on the shelves...just kidding).

As I left target I texted my friend Harry and told him Target would not let me purchase the new Social Distortion cd. Fifteen minutes later Harry texted me back and said " I JUST DOWNLOADED THE NEW SOCIAL DISTORTION CD FREE FROM THE INTERNET!!!!" I like Harry. I l like the internet. I like Target . (most of the time)

-Brother Mike Cohen

New Years Resolutions Part 2!

When in the middle of my work shift one of my mexican co workers says to me " EGG SALSA SANDJO INNA ATIUM" and I say "WHAT?" and he says " EGGS SALA DANJO TUNA ATTTUM" and I say "WHAT??" and he says " EGGLO SALLY INNA ALIEN" and I say EGG SALAD SANDWICH IN THE ATM ??? and he points to the back of the resturante I will not lose my patiene nor my temper and realize he is trying to say "TABLE 6 NEEDS A CHECK"!!!!!

When I have my daily snack at my job which includes a banana, low fat yogurt, and a luna bar - which is all the daily nutrition that a woman needs- I will not hide in the back room because I am embarrised that I am eating a LUNA bar( all the daily nutrion that a woman needs) I will proudly eat in front of the customers and the staff and show off my LUNA bar and tell everyone that is giving me funny looks that a LUNA BAR IS ALL THE NUTRITION THAT A WOMAN NEEDS AND THAT IS HOW I GET MY DAILY NUTRITION and be proud.

when my work shift is over and i look at my phone and check my messages and see that my doctor, DR WOO, has left a message I will not think out loud OH SANK YOU FOR CALLING ME DR WOO, WILL COME FOR APPOINTMENT AND BRING NICE BIG BOWL OF CHOP SUEY FOR YOU ......DR WOO!!! because Dr Woo was born in the United States and does not speak like that and my friend Harry told me that is politically incorrect!!!!

As the evening comes to an end and I have just finished watching a net flix with Anne and I INSIST on mailing the net flix at the mail box that picks up mail at 7am the next day so we can get another movie as soon as possible I will not secretly make a trip to the brand new 7-11 that just opened between her apartment and the mail box and get the special TWO SLICES OF CHEESE PIZZA FOR $2.22 plus tax AND a microwave-able bean + cheese burrito that I will make in the 7-11 mircowave and chow it all down before I return to anne's place because I already had dinner 2 hours earlier and need to eat heathier and lose weight!!!!!

Before I go to sleep and look at facebook one more time and see that one of my college friends is getting married and read all the congratulatory comments I will not add " I AM STILL A HOMOSEXUAL. MEN MEN MEN!!!!!"

These are my new years resolutions......for 2012 !!

-Brother Mike Cohen

New Years Resolutions for 2011 (PART ONE)

These are my new years resolution for 2011.

When I wake up in the morning I will no longer say "CMERE SWEETIE, CMERE LITTLE SWEETIE PIE" because my cat died a month ago and I like to pretend she is still alive by calling her "CMERE LITTLE PUSSY CAT COME UP ON THE BED!!!!" Someone accused me of liking animals more than humans...SO ? whats the problem.

After I chug my ice coffee and take my first shit of the day, I will not look up to the heavens and say THANK GOD THANK CHRIST THANK GOD THANK CHRIST because maybe there really is a god or a christ and they have a secret nanny cam in my apartment and they are watching me and when I die I could be in a shitload of trouble but not necessarily because I am IN FACT thanking them for letting me take a really wonderful shit and not making fun of them unless of course they ( the gods) are not happy that they only time they pop in my mind is when my pants are down and I am sitting on the can.

I also ask for Gods help when playing Scrabble with Anne...when she scores 78 points by adding an S to my Q word I tend to look up to the heavens and exclaim GOD HELP ME...GOD HELP ME!!! Not sure I believe in God but if I die and there is a god I want to be in good standing. My sister told me there is no god because why did he let all of our people die in the holocaust? I said "I went to summer camp with OUR PEOPLE and have an idea about why god let OUR people die in the holocost"

Oh year, no more jew bashing in the coming year. I love the jewish people - especially when they send thier hamburger back to the cook at the restaurante where I work - THIS IS NOT MEDIUM WELL !!!!

As I exit my east village apartment and head towards the train to make my way to work in Park Slope, I will not cover my mouth and shout things out like I NEED A BIG BLACK DICK IN MY MOUTH ...I NEED A BIG BLACK COCK IN MY ASS...MEN MEN MEN...SPORTS AND MEN...DINNER...BLACK COCK......I will simply walk to the train and enjoy the fresh air and the sunshine.

While I am waiting for the train and observe the teenagers with the baggy pants I will not think horrible things about the silly teens like " I hope you trip over your baggy pants and get hit by the fucking train you fucking idiots!!!" When I was a teenager and did my stupid fashion statements, I was still dressed and ready to run from the law if need be. I dont know how todays baggy pants teens can run from the law when their pants our slowing them down.

When I am exiting the train and people waiting to get on the train are in my way I will not say to them WHAT THE FUCK? JUST WANNA EXIT...JUST WANNA EXIT....WHAT THE FUCK????

When I get off the train in Brooklyn I will not wait around at the platform for everyone to exit so I can reach into my tote bag and pull out the white stickers with black sharpie writing that I have made that have a cartoon bubble with MM HMM and NOW LOOKUM HERE written on the stickers and put them on the advertisements with African Americans so it looks as if the African Americans are saying MM HMM or NOW LOOKUM HERE because my friend Harry tells me there are cameres in the subways and I could get into trouble. Mm hmm.

As I make the short walk from the train to my job and I see strange dogs on the street I will not look at the dogs, raise my index finger , and say " HI SWEETIE!!!! HI LITTLE HONEY PIE!! WHO'S A GOOD DOG?? WHO IS A GOOD PROUD DOG?? I LIKE DOGS!!!"

Once I begin my work shift ( as a waiter at my friends restaurante) and some pain in the ass customer whom I just served a glass of water to as they sat down asks for A LEMON for their water I will not say "OH , SOMETHING FREE IN SOMETHING FREE" because good customer service is our goal.

When a pain in the ass jew talking on their cell phone enters the restaurante I will not speak in code to my friend and say "DID I EVER TELL YOU ABOUT SUMMER CAMP? which is code for a pain in the ass jew on a cell phone just walked in because I work for tips and I am trying to be kind to the jews in the forthcoming year...

When a table of 6 medical students want to split their check with 4 credit cards and use a bit of cash I will not say "FUCK YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES....I HAVE ENOUGH SHIT TO DO WITHOUT DOING THE FUCKING MATH TO SPLIT 4 CREDIT CARDS WITH SOME CASH...I HAVE AN IDEA, WHY DONT ONE OF YOU LITTLE DOUCHBAGS PAY FOR IT AND HAVE YOUR STUPID LITTLE FRIENDS GIVE YOU CASH? OH THATS RIGHT YOU DONT HAVE CASH BECAUSE YOU LIKE TO RACK UP DEBT...DONT COME BACK FUCK FACES!!!!"

-Brother Mike Cohen

My Ears Still Ringin'

My ears still ringing from Prince show last night at the Garden (even though I had my ear plugs in the whole time)- what are you gonna do? Currently I am listening to the Grateful Dead "Greatest Oakland Show Ever 12-28-79" on the Ipod dock. I know a lot of you "tough New Yorkers" hate the dead but thats okay because I don't like Interpol nor the New York Yankees. ( men and sports, etc.)

It is that once a month time again...SUNDAY JANUARY 2, 20011....we are going to have another reading/spoken word event at Black and White Bar located on East 10th Street between 3rd and 4th Ave in the East Village on NYC. Black and White is also know as the "86 ANTI-SOCIAL CLUB but keep that on the down low. Speaking of "down low"..........

I used to usher at a theatre in Buffalo called the Shea's Buffalo when I was a teenager. It was volunteer work but we used to see all the shows for free. ( U-2 on the War tour, Yul Brenner in "The King and I", Frank Zappa, etc.) One night I was working the Kool and the Gang show and it was the first time I was at an African Amercian concert. There was an African American patron at the show who called himself "PAY LOW" because, as he said, " I don't make a lot of money". Pay Low kept telling me that he was gonna get us backstage to the VIP room when the show was over. He never got me to the VIP room. Another patron put his arm around me and asked where the bathroom was. He also lifted my Sheas Buffalo usher tag with my name on it thinking it would get him somewhere special. I didn't realize my usher tag had been lifted for about 30 minutes. I miss Buffalo. Kool and the Gang were fucking great.

Fahrenheit at Black and White is also fucking great. You get 5 minutes to tell a story, jokes, poetry, song, etc.

Start time is 8pm and it ends at 10pm. We had a great reading last month with a great crowd and we hope all you swingin' dicks return. It is not always a "sausage factory" and we have lots of female readers. We encourage homosexuals to come and read and tell us their dirty secrets. ( MEN MEN MEN!!! nudge nudge wink wink)

See you SUNDAY JANUARY 2, 2010 at BLACK + WHITE bar located on East 10th St between 3rd and 4th Avenue in the East Village of NYC.
8:00pm - 10:00pm...loosely brought to you by the Antagonist Movement.

My pal Lach told me to "BCC" my email this time....I am new to this and going to attempt. Men.

Sent from my new Mac Book Pro...Brother Mike "the sunshine bores the daylights out of me"

Brother Mike Cohen
12.30.2010, NYC

Short Changed at the Bowery Ballroom

On Saturday December 11 I went to the Bowery Ballroom to see Jesse Malin perform. I was on the main level (where the stage is) standing next to the bar in the back of the room. There was a female blonde bartender with a "fashionable pageboy haircut" serving drinks. I ordered a $5 Budweiser and gave her a twenty dollar bill. She gave me 5 singles back. I called her over and said " I gave you a twenty"....she nodded and then I said " and this is the change you gave me" ( as I showed her my 5 singles). She opened the register and said " You gave me a ten." I said " Okay, I'm sorry" and left her a dollar tip. I am 99% sure that I gave her a 20 dollar bill. I don't think that the fact that she opened the register and looked in really meant anything.( She was doing multiple transactions while mine was taking place.) I did not want to start trouble and ask for the manager because it was her word against mine. ( I assumed that the Bowery Ballroom would have taken the bartender's side over the customer's .) Should I mark my money in the future? Should I bring a flask into the Bowery Ballroom and not purchase alcohol? Should I loudly announce the denomination of money I am handing the bartender in the future? Was it an honest mistake or was I ripped off? My gut feeling tells me I was ripped off.

-Brother Mike Cohen Sunday December 11, 2010. NYC

Dead Tour Summer 2010

I am on "DEAD TOUR" in New Jersey at my friend's place following what is left of the Grateful Dead. ( Further featuring Bob Weir and Phil Lesh with a great fucking band) I am waiting for my "mellow" friend to pick me up for the next show.

My "pain in the ass" friend picked me up in New Jersey Friday night and told me a story about going to a massage parlor and getting a full body massage from a cute 35 year old asian lady....happy ending included. I have never paid for sex but I would not rule it out. ( MEN ! MEN! MEN!)

We stayed at his parents beach house in Long Beach Island on the Jersey shore. If you sit on the deck you can see the Atlantic Ocean. Friday night we sat on the deck drinking bud light and smoking pot and listening to the Grateful Dead on the Bose ipod dock. This was not the highlight of my trip but it was pretty good.

My friend has OCD and kept asking me if I had washed my hands. I said " they're not dirty, stop bugging me"....my friend is a Jewish pain in the ass.

Saturday we made our way to Philadelphia to see the first of the two shows. We stopped at a rest stop and I happened to pet a dog. I like to pet dogs. I especially like to pet a dog I have never pet before. My friend said "you are gonna have to wash your hands before getting back in my car, you dirty fuck". I washed my hands after petting the first dog and then pet another dog ( out of view of my friend) before I got back in his car!!!! I love dogs. I love to touch and pet dogs. This was not the highlight of my trip but made me very happy.

We had great seats for the show. Tenth row center. I had a garden burger before the show. Then I had a hit of LSD from 1968 for the show. It was very hot...it was reserved seating but the aisles were full. The people behind me were talking about a baseball score all night and I kept hearing things like "bottom of the 7th, top of the 8th, etc. I did not follow the World Cup but I think I would rather have Lebron James stick his big dick in my ass than pay attention to the world cup.

The band played a cover song made popular by the Dead called "I KNOW YOU RIDER". My pain in the ass friend and I danced like crazy teenagers and sang our asses off. At this point this may have been the highlight of my trip

During the second set the band played "Franklin's Tower" and we danced and sang harder than earlier. ( ROLL AWAY THE DEW....YOU BETTER ROLL AWAY THE DEW) I think THIS was the highlight of my trip

After the show we headed to the parking lot and had no trouble finding nitrous balloons, cold beer, baked goods made with marijuana, and new dogs to pet. My friend forget to tell my to wash my hands after petting the multiple stray dogs. There is nothing greater to me in the world than meeting a dog and petting that dog. I love dogs. My parents did not get me dog as a boy and when I asked for a dog they said " we will talk about it when you're older". When I got older they said " we'll talk about it when you're older" and when I was even older they said "you're going off to college, who is gonna take care of a dog??? NOT US!!" Of course not them...why would the old grumpy Jew want to take care of a sweet little dog?? Jews don't like pets. Pets are dirty to Jews. I am adopted and not like the rest of the Jews. I like dogs.

We drove back to my friend's beach house but got lost in downtown Philadelphia on the way. My friend (who is a high maintenance Jewish pain in the ass was cursing up a storm.) I was in the passenger's side and did not care if we were lost in downtown Philly or Haight Ashbury! ( I had a buzz like no other and was feeling no pain.) This is in the running for the highlight of my trip.!!!

We got back to the beach house and made ourselves comfortable on the deck for one more beer with the Atlantic Ocean in the background.

My friend said "Remember that massage and happy ending story I told you yesterday?" I said "yes". He said , well, I left a part of the story out." I said "Oh really? Why don't you fill me in?" he said "okay."

He continued " well , when the hot 35 year old Asian lady in the bikini bottom was jerking me off, I pulled down her bikini bottom and stuck my middle finger into her ass hole as I approached orgasm. After I came I pulled my finger out and put it in my mouth!!" This addition to the story was absolutely the highlight of my trip.

P.S. My friend DID wash his hands before he left the massage parlor.

Brother Mike "one show at a time" Cohen, Springfield N.J. July 11, 2010 2:56pm

We Haven't Had Some Brother Mike in a While

Letter from the editor: Who is Brother Mike? Some of you might not know him, and really that's unfortunate for you. I assume you spend your days sitting on your broken lawn chair and gurgling nonsense into a child's fake telephone, all because you've missed the opportunity to meet Brother Mike. Well, here are a few words from the man himself about who he is. Maybe now you can live life again.
-MBea

My name is Brother Mike Cohen. I love rock and roll. I also love sports and men. ( men and sports). The goal in my life is to have a man over for dinner. It is not that easy to invite a man over for dinner and actually have the man show up. Sometimes men show up and sometimes I have to have dinner for two all by myself. A close friend in New Jersey who asked that his name not be mentioned advised me to invite a man over for lunch. He said that a man is more likely to show up for lunch than dinner. I asked him what he thought about having a man over for brunch and he said it would never happen. I would hate to have brunch alone. Dinner and men. Men and dinner. Men and sports. Sports and men.

PROSTATE UPDATE:
I have been going to a urologist for the last 2 years. My lovely girlfriend used to say "you certainly urinate a lot...maybe you should get checked out." I saw my urologist today and the first thing I had to do when I arrived was pee in a plastic cup with my last name "COHEN" written on the cup. I took my pee and left my cup on the special shelf in the restroom. After waiting 90 FUCKING MINUTES I got to see the doctor. I told him that I have begun to take my "over active bladder medication" before I go to sleep rather than first thing in the morning and it is really working very well. ( I dont have to pee in a plastic jug in the middle of the night anymore). He told me that was fucking great. I said my girlfriend wants me to ask you about testicular cancer and having a colonoscopy. He said he would examine my testicles AND show me how to do it. He then said "bend over, I want to check your prostate" and he shoved a couple of fingers up my ass! ( I said THANK GOD THANK CHRIST as the fingers went up my ass and for a brief moment I thought I was gonna shit on my doctor). I asked how my prostate was and he said "nice and smooth". ( that is a GOOD thing) The doctor said he would be right back after he checked my urine. He left and came back and said "your urine looks good, I will see you in three months!" I thanked him and made an appointment with the secretary for my next visit. I decided to take one more pee before I left the office and when I entered the restroom I saw a plastic cup of urine with my last name "COHEN" written on it. I thought that was kinda fucked up that my doctor told me my urine was fine and my cup was still sitting there. I debated asking the secretary about the situation but I dont like to piss my doctor's staff off. I thought "is there another Cohen here today?....did they take a SAMPLE out of my cup and leave the rest?...or is the doctor lying to me that my urine is fine when in fact he did not even look at it? I had to ask.......I approached the secretary and politely said " The doctor said my urine looked fine but there is a cup with COHEN on it on the shelf in the restroom". All of a sudden my doctor pops out and says " I HAVE TWO COHENS TODAY...YOU AND PAUL COHEN...YOUR URINE IS RIGHT HERE...DO YOU WANT TO SEE YOUR URINE????" I said "no thnaks, I was just checking...thank you" and left the doctor's office. I then went to the corner deli and bought a chocolate Nutrament and drank it down. It tastes just like a chocolate milkshake. I then went home and urinated again.

Brother Mike Cohen March 3, 2010 5:43pm

Not So Posh

I was at Starbucks near Columbus Circle having coffee with my girlfriend. I decided to get ANOTHER coffee and got in line behind a short white woman in her 30's wearing all black, very large sunglasses and a ton of make up. I thought she looked familiar but was not sure. She had a massive fucking diamond ring on her finger and I figured it was a wealthy celebrity. Another woman in the coffee place said was also staring at her and said "I thought you were taller" and then the mystery woman responded and I heard the English accent. Ironically I was reading "Glamour" magazine about 45 minutes earliar and recognized that I was in Starbucks with Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham. She did not look like her perfect AIRBRUSHED photos I had just seen in the magazine. She had really really bad skin (on her face) that you dont see in the photographs. It is nice to know the beautiful people are not so beautiful in the flesh.

-Brother Mike Cohen, NYC

Lady Gaga in a Nasty Plane Crash

Once or twice a week I like to log into my facebook account and make a comment on something that is on my mind. Last week I said " I HOPE LADY GAGA DIES IN A NASTY PLANE CRASH!!!" and I believe I offended a shit load of people. I would like to explain what exactly I meant by my comment....I have been listening to rock and roll/pop music since I was 4 years old. My first 3 favorites were The Monkees, Herman's Hermit's, and the fucking Beatles. As I grew up in the 1970's I listened to the AM radio which played the top 40 hits. Back in the 70's on the AM radio you could hear rock n roll next to soul. ( Kiss and the Commodores for example back to back) I went from loving the Bee Gees and KC and the Sunshine Band into Kiss and Cheap Trick. In the early 80's I got into the new wave/punk rock stuff (The Clash, Psychedelic Furs, Gang of Four) and also discovered Bob Dylan and Bruce Springsteen. At the age of 16 began working in a record store and continued working in record stores till June of 2009 at the age of 44. For the last 11 years I was the full in store DJ at the Virgin Megastore Union Square in NYC. I played everything at the Virgin Megastore and even got turned on to music that was not rock and roll. (Hip Hop like Jay z and Nas; electronic music like LCD Soundsystem and Daft Punk; old school reggae like Bob Marley and Dennis Brown) I always had an open mind when it came to any genre. There is a lot of music that you would call rock and roll that I cant stand. I like melody...pop music...I like a good song whether it's Paul Simon singing something with an acoustic guitar or the Ramones with loud and fast guitars. ( I like something I can sing or hum later) During my last year at the Virgin Megastore I played a lot of Lady Gaga. Lady Gaga was in our top 20 sellers for a long fucking time. My co-workers loved Lady Gaga and would ask me to play her all the fucking time. I honestly dont mind the record. I dont like it but I dont hate it either. It reminds me of some of the new wave pop music from the 1980's that I used to dance to in the clubs in my camouflage pants and eyeliner! I think what bothers me is how fucking popular this mediocre music has become. Of course I understand that music is "art" and people should like what they like. ( I like stuff that people love to make fun of- Barry Manilow, Jimmy Buffet, Neil Diamond, Cinderella, England Dan and John Ford Coley just to name a few!!!) I certainly do not want Lady Gaga to die in a nasty plane crash. I am amused that people would take that literally! I really meant to say " I CANT BELIEVE HOW POPULAR THIS SHIT IS!!!" One more thing...I like the internet, email, and facebook BUT I think some of these people who are on the internet all fucking day should leave their fucking house do something other than type on their computer all fucking day.

-Brother Mike Cohen NYC.

That's Jesus Speakin' To Me!

A few years ago I used to have a routine. Five days a week I worked at the Virgin Megastore Union Square and on my two days off from work I would have a bagel and read the New York Post at David Bagel on 1st Avenue between 13th and 14th Street. I would wake up on my day off and not have my first coffee until I arrived at David Bagel. At David Bagel I would order a large coffee and a whole wheat bagel with extra veggie tofu. I would read my New York Post from front to back and enjoy my coffee and bagel. At the end of my meal I would feel a bowel movement coming on but I would attempt to hold it until I got home. ( Home was a 7 minute walk from David Bagel.) As I walked I felt like I would not be able to hold it and that I was gonna shit my pants but my ass muscles are pretty good to hold in the first shit of the day that was awakened by a large coffee, whole wheat bagel, and extra veggie tofu. 7 minutes seemed like a long time but I would do it. When I reached my building I would run up two steps at a time to the fourth floor. After entering my apartment I would take all of my clothes off and turn the stereo on and FINALLY sit down on the toilet. The shit would come out of my ass with gusto and I would look up towards the heavens and exclaim "THAT IS JESUS SPEAKIN' TO ME..THAT IS JESUS H. CHRIST SPEAKING TO ME..THANK GOD..THANK CHRIST..THAT IS JESUS FUCKING CHRIST SPEAKING TO ME!!!" My cat would be staring at me from the kitchen wondering what was happening.

-Brother Mike Cohen, NYC

Haiti

I have heard in the news that the people in the big church in Haiti have survived the earthquake and that "they were pulled out of the rubble by the hand of god." Wow, thats pretty cool that god performed a miracle and rescued people in the church in Haiti. Did that same god let all those other people who were NOT in the church die? Or did the people in the church survive because the architecture of the church was better than the rest of Haiti? How come in 1989 when San Francisco had the big quake (6.9 on the Richter scale) only 63 people died and when Haiti had a big quake (7.0 on the Richter scale) thousands died??? COULD IT BE THE WAY SHIT WAS BUILT???!!!! Yes I am going to make a donation to Haiti. I am going to send a carton of bubble gum and a box of popsicles. The people of Haiti will have something to chew on and something to suck on. When they finish the popsicles and get sick of chewing the gum they can use the popsicle sticks and bubble gum to rebuild Haiti just like it was built in the first place.

-Brother Mike Cohen 1/20/2010 NYC

*Note from Editor:
Sometimes the greatest help doesn't come from those who care nothing but can give plenty. It comes from the many who can give very little but understand the pain felt by others. Please make donations, no matter how small, HERE.

Antagonist Showcase @ Never Records!

Pat Conlon and Brother Mike!

Pat Conlon artist from Ethan H. Minsker on Vimeo.

Brother Mike Cohen-What the fuck? from Ethan H. Minsker on Vimeo.

Flexatarian

There is a little vegan bakery located on St Marks Place near Avenue A. They recently reopened after being closed for 92 days of renovation. I do not know why it took them so long to renovate but I am very happy that they have reopened. I FUCKING LOVE THE VEGAN BAKERY. They have all kinds of healthy low calorie food that tastes fucking amazing. ( My friend Harry spits out anything I force him to try from the vegan bakery and my girlfriend absolutely refuses to eat anything from there. People are strange!) After the vegan bakery reopened I walked in and ordered a "spinach tofu turnover" and an "apple strawberry turnover" which was going to be my dinner and dessert. I told the men behind the counter how fucking happy I was that they had reopened and I was struggling to find quick healthy food in my neighborhood (the east village of NYC). They thanked me for being an enthusiastic customer. I then explained to them that I WAS NOT A VEGAN NOR A VEGATARIAN and I enjoyed eating cheeseburgers, pulled pork, turkey burgers, catfish burgers, beef on weck, Buffalo chicken wings, and flank steak sandwiches! A look of HORROR appeared on the faces of the men behind the counter at the vegan bakery and the customers that were waiting in line behind me shook their heads in disgust!!!! It was so silent in the room that you could hear a pin drop. It was if I said " I AM GONNA COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND KILL YOUR FAMILY AND BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN!!!!" Am I the only person who eats at the vegan bakery and eats meat? I find this hard to believe but this seems to be the case. I love my spinach tofu turnover but I also love my pulled pork sandwich.

-Brother Mike Cohen 11/30/09 NYC

Best Buy and Bob Dylan's Christmas CD

Bob Dylan released a brand new cd yesterday. I went to Best Buy on Broadway at the corner of Houston to purchase the new Bob Dylan Christmas cd. I asked the "employee" if they had the cd. I was informed that the release date had been pushed back to November. I said thanks and exited. I called my pal Scott in New Jersey and told him what had happened to me. He asked me a politically incorrect question about the person who told me the new Dylan was not coming out until November. He then told me his own experience about going to Best Buy in New Jersey and not being able to find the new Dylan. (He asked and the "employee" about the Dylan.The employee disappeard into the back room to get a copy because it was not on the shelves). Scott had the new Dylan. The "employee" at Best Buy was mistaken about the release date being pushed back.

Today I went to the Best Buy on Broadway at 62nd street to purchase the new Dylan. I found a copy on the shelf that was marked $13.99. (the advertised price was $9.99). I went to customer service to ask about the price. The "employee" in the pink shirt ( I think pink shirt means that a promotion has occurred) rolled her eyes as I politely said " I have a question". She gave the Dylan cd to the "employee" in the blue shirt (not promoted yet but very polite) and had her do the price check. The price was in fact $9.99. I said I had some more shopping to do and she told me to bring the Dylan and whatever else I was going to purchase back to customer service when I was ready to check out. I shopped and found the Beatles double cd "Past Masters" for $12.99 !!!! ( a great price) I went back to customer service to find two different "employees" at the counter. I explained that the Dylan was $9.99 and she had to check the price for me again. Luckily I was not in a hurry so did not mind standing there like a jew waiting to buy a Christmas cd made by another jew to save money LIKE A JEW!! The "employee" asked me who had helped me before and before I could answer she asked " Spanish girl? Black girl? I said " A little of both". I eventually got my Dylan cd for the right price.

Later in the day I went to Duane Reade and asked an "employee" if they had wrist watches. He took me to the clock section.

Brother Mike Cohen October 14, 2009 NYC.

My New Tote Bag

I have a new tote bag. My girlfriend hooked me up with my new tote bag. One of her co-workers was getting rid of a bunch of crap. He was getting rid of two deluxe tote bags. My tote bag has made my life much easier. In my new tote bag I can carry my Odwalla Pumpkin Protein drink (which is only available in October), my Luna bar, my day planner, my New York Post, etc. It is also a great place to store my jean jacket when I leave my apartment in the 55 degree weather and then get on the subway where the temperature on the platforms is 80 degrees. I dont know what I would do without my tote bag. I actually have a collection of different size tote bags in my apartment. Every tote bag is for a different journey. Some people say it is gay for a man to have a tote bag. Where the fuck does that logic come from? If I am on my way to my GIRLFRIEND'S apartment with my tote bag full of my stuff...IS THAT GAY? I understand that if I was on my way to Chelsea to the "Rawhide" bar with my tote bag to look for some male ass...THAT would be gay; or if I was heading to the "Boots and Saddle" bar on Christopher Street in the West Village with my tote bag to suck a man's cock in the bathroom...THAT would be gay. I love my tote bag...and my Luna bar.

-Brother Mike Cohen

Hair and Rock 'n' Roll

Last night I went to the Social Distortion show at the Starland Ballroom in Sayerville, N.J. It was sold out and totally packed. My friend and I decided we "wanted to be in the shit" so we stood in the middle back of the floor. I forgot that Social Distortion came out the late 1970's Orange County, California punk rock scene and that can mean there will be a "pit" with slam dancing!!! Luckily we were on the outer edge of the slam dancing pit but we got pushed around just enough to feel like we were at a rock and roll concert but not enough to get a black eye or lose a tooth. At some point during the show I notice there is a man with piercings, tattoos, and slicked back hair in a wheelchair getting passed up through the crowd on top of peoples hands! I was very impressed. This followed by two more fans in wheelchairs getting passed up through the crowd on top of peoples hands!!! The crowd cheered and the band turned up the volume. Even tough guy Mike Ness (singer and leader of the band) had a smile on his face.

Last week I went to Giant Stadium to catch the Bruce Springsteen concert. During "Hungry Heart" Bruce ran out into the crowd and sang the song from the middle of the general admission floor. As the song was winding down with an instrumental portion from the band Bruce climbed on top of the folks on the front half of the floor and asked if they would carry him back to the stage. Sure enough, Bruce got flat on his back and had the hands of the audience carry and pass him back to the stage. I have seen Bruce maybe 60 times live in concert and I had NEVER seen anything quite like this. Hard to believe that nobody grabbed Bruce's crotch or pinched his ass......A few years ago I saw Rick Springfield at the Nokia in Times Square. He came out into the crowd and I touched his hair to see if it was real. It was but it had a lot of hairspray. Iggy Pop came out into the crowd at a Stooges show in Roseland and I gently made an attempt at pulling a piece of his hair out but I failed. Johnny Thunders was in the crowd at the Continental Divide in NYC in the crowd waiting to get on stage with his pals "The Waldos" and as he was standing in front of me I stuck my nose in his hair and took a wiff. It was fucking awful. The worst thing I have ever smelled in my life.

-Brother Mike Cohen 10.08.2009

U2 at Giant Stadium

Last night I went to the U-2 concert at Giant Stadium. I am a fan of everything from the first album to "Achtung Baby". I think everything after "Achtung Baby" sucks especially their most recent piece of shit. I went to the show hoping the music I did not like would come alive in concert. My evening began waiting in the parking lot for my friend (stuck in rush hour traffic) to show up. I had his ticket and could not enter early. I really had to use a restroom and had no choice but to use the port-o-potty. ( I used the woman's port-o-potty...my friend Harry says it is legal for anyone to use any toilet...Harry knows lots of things.) I always have worries when I use the port-o-potty like I am going to drop my wallet, cell phone, or house keys into the toilet. Last night the worst possible thing, besides falling in, happened in the port-o-potty. As I was squatting and relieving myself I got the fucking SPLASH BACK!!! What the fuck? Is there a God? Does God exist? Is God fucking with me? I can only imagine what was in the splash back....a combination of urine and feces from 113 U-2 fans? Jesus fucking christ. As my pal Scott would say...."this is how god FUCKS you." The concert was pretty good but the new songs still sucked.

-Brother Mike Cohen September 24, 2009. NYC

Brother Mike at Fahrenheit

Check it out folks, you could be a star for 5 minutes. That's more than Warhol wanted to give you.

Professional Sports

After purchasing tickets at the Beacon Theatre for the Aretha Franklin show at Radio City Music Hall, I got on the subway today at 72nd and Broadway I noticed all the fucking assholes on the train wearing New York Yankees hats.

What is the obsession with the fucking New York Yankees? How come people that live in this city are SO FUCKING into the goddamn baseball team ? Do these people not listen to music? Do these people not have sex? What the fuck? PROFESSIONAL SPORTS? Are these people in the New York Yankees hats fucking serious about rooting for a fucking team??? I do not understand the obsession with the New York Yankees, (a bunch of men getting paid to hit a ball, catch a ball, and run around a little diamond).

What happened to the people that used to get in their pal's volvo in college and drive 8 hours to see the Grateful fucking Dead? Or the people that get on a fucking airplane and fly to Dublin to see Bob Dylan? Who are these people with the fucking New York Yankees hats? Jesus fucking Christ. I hate people. I hate sports. I hate the New York Yankees.

-Brother Mike Cohen September 16, 2009. NYC