Wednesday, May 12, 2010

We Haven't Had Some Brother Mike in a While

Letter from the editor: Who is Brother Mike? Some of you might not know him, and really that's unfortunate for you. I assume you spend your days sitting on your broken lawn chair and gurgling nonsense into a child's fake telephone, all because you've missed the opportunity to meet Brother Mike. Well, here are a few words from the man himself about who he is. Maybe now you can live life again.

My name is Brother Mike Cohen. I love rock and roll. I also love sports and men. ( men and sports). The goal in my life is to have a man over for dinner. It is not that easy to invite a man over for dinner and actually have the man show up. Sometimes men show up and sometimes I have to have dinner for two all by myself. A close friend in New Jersey who asked that his name not be mentioned advised me to invite a man over for lunch. He said that a man is more likely to show up for lunch than dinner. I asked him what he thought about having a man over for brunch and he said it would never happen. I would hate to have brunch alone. Dinner and men. Men and dinner. Men and sports. Sports and men.

I have been going to a urologist for the last 2 years. My lovely girlfriend used to say "you certainly urinate a lot...maybe you should get checked out." I saw my urologist today and the first thing I had to do when I arrived was pee in a plastic cup with my last name "COHEN" written on the cup. I took my pee and left my cup on the special shelf in the restroom. After waiting 90 FUCKING MINUTES I got to see the doctor. I told him that I have begun to take my "over active bladder medication" before I go to sleep rather than first thing in the morning and it is really working very well. ( I dont have to pee in a plastic jug in the middle of the night anymore). He told me that was fucking great. I said my girlfriend wants me to ask you about testicular cancer and having a colonoscopy. He said he would examine my testicles AND show me how to do it. He then said "bend over, I want to check your prostate" and he shoved a couple of fingers up my ass! ( I said THANK GOD THANK CHRIST as the fingers went up my ass and for a brief moment I thought I was gonna shit on my doctor). I asked how my prostate was and he said "nice and smooth". ( that is a GOOD thing) The doctor said he would be right back after he checked my urine. He left and came back and said "your urine looks good, I will see you in three months!" I thanked him and made an appointment with the secretary for my next visit. I decided to take one more pee before I left the office and when I entered the restroom I saw a plastic cup of urine with my last name "COHEN" written on it. I thought that was kinda fucked up that my doctor told me my urine was fine and my cup was still sitting there. I debated asking the secretary about the situation but I dont like to piss my doctor's staff off. I thought "is there another Cohen here today?....did they take a SAMPLE out of my cup and leave the rest?...or is the doctor lying to me that my urine is fine when in fact he did not even look at it? I had to ask.......I approached the secretary and politely said " The doctor said my urine looked fine but there is a cup with COHEN on it on the shelf in the restroom". All of a sudden my doctor pops out and says " I HAVE TWO COHENS TODAY...YOU AND PAUL COHEN...YOUR URINE IS RIGHT HERE...DO YOU WANT TO SEE YOUR URINE????" I said "no thnaks, I was just checking...thank you" and left the doctor's office. I then went to the corner deli and bought a chocolate Nutrament and drank it down. It tastes just like a chocolate milkshake. I then went home and urinated again.

Brother Mike Cohen March 3, 2010 5:43pm

No comments: