These are my new years resolution for 2011.
When I wake up in the morning I will no longer say "CMERE SWEETIE, CMERE LITTLE SWEETIE PIE" because my cat died a month ago and I like to pretend she is still alive by calling her "CMERE LITTLE PUSSY CAT COME UP ON THE BED!!!!" Someone accused me of liking animals more than humans...SO ? whats the problem.
After I chug my ice coffee and take my first shit of the day, I will not look up to the heavens and say THANK GOD THANK CHRIST THANK GOD THANK CHRIST because maybe there really is a god or a christ and they have a secret nanny cam in my apartment and they are watching me and when I die I could be in a shitload of trouble but not necessarily because I am IN FACT thanking them for letting me take a really wonderful shit and not making fun of them unless of course they ( the gods) are not happy that they only time they pop in my mind is when my pants are down and I am sitting on the can.
I also ask for Gods help when playing Scrabble with Anne...when she scores 78 points by adding an S to my Q word I tend to look up to the heavens and exclaim GOD HELP ME...GOD HELP ME!!! Not sure I believe in God but if I die and there is a god I want to be in good standing. My sister told me there is no god because why did he let all of our people die in the holocaust? I said "I went to summer camp with OUR PEOPLE and have an idea about why god let OUR people die in the holocost"
Oh year, no more jew bashing in the coming year. I love the jewish people - especially when they send thier hamburger back to the cook at the restaurante where I work - THIS IS NOT MEDIUM WELL !!!!
As I exit my east village apartment and head towards the train to make my way to work in Park Slope, I will not cover my mouth and shout things out like I NEED A BIG BLACK DICK IN MY MOUTH ...I NEED A BIG BLACK COCK IN MY ASS...MEN MEN MEN...SPORTS AND MEN...DINNER...BLACK COCK......I will simply walk to the train and enjoy the fresh air and the sunshine.
While I am waiting for the train and observe the teenagers with the baggy pants I will not think horrible things about the silly teens like " I hope you trip over your baggy pants and get hit by the fucking train you fucking idiots!!!" When I was a teenager and did my stupid fashion statements, I was still dressed and ready to run from the law if need be. I dont know how todays baggy pants teens can run from the law when their pants our slowing them down.
When I am exiting the train and people waiting to get on the train are in my way I will not say to them WHAT THE FUCK? JUST WANNA EXIT...JUST WANNA EXIT....WHAT THE FUCK????
When I get off the train in Brooklyn I will not wait around at the platform for everyone to exit so I can reach into my tote bag and pull out the white stickers with black sharpie writing that I have made that have a cartoon bubble with MM HMM and NOW LOOKUM HERE written on the stickers and put them on the advertisements with African Americans so it looks as if the African Americans are saying MM HMM or NOW LOOKUM HERE because my friend Harry tells me there are cameres in the subways and I could get into trouble. Mm hmm.
As I make the short walk from the train to my job and I see strange dogs on the street I will not look at the dogs, raise my index finger , and say " HI SWEETIE!!!! HI LITTLE HONEY PIE!! WHO'S A GOOD DOG?? WHO IS A GOOD PROUD DOG?? I LIKE DOGS!!!"
Once I begin my work shift ( as a waiter at my friends restaurante) and some pain in the ass customer whom I just served a glass of water to as they sat down asks for A LEMON for their water I will not say "OH , SOMETHING FREE IN SOMETHING FREE" because good customer service is our goal.
When a pain in the ass jew talking on their cell phone enters the restaurante I will not speak in code to my friend and say "DID I EVER TELL YOU ABOUT SUMMER CAMP? which is code for a pain in the ass jew on a cell phone just walked in because I work for tips and I am trying to be kind to the jews in the forthcoming year...
When a table of 6 medical students want to split their check with 4 credit cards and use a bit of cash I will not say "FUCK YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES....I HAVE ENOUGH SHIT TO DO WITHOUT DOING THE FUCKING MATH TO SPLIT 4 CREDIT CARDS WITH SOME CASH...I HAVE AN IDEA, WHY DONT ONE OF YOU LITTLE DOUCHBAGS PAY FOR IT AND HAVE YOUR STUPID LITTLE FRIENDS GIVE YOU CASH? OH THATS RIGHT YOU DONT HAVE CASH BECAUSE YOU LIKE TO RACK UP DEBT...DONT COME BACK FUCK FACES!!!!"
-Brother Mike Cohen