When in the middle of my work shift one of my mexican co workers says to me " EGG SALSA SANDJO INNA ATIUM" and I say "WHAT?" and he says " EGGS SALA DANJO TUNA ATTTUM" and I say "WHAT??" and he says " EGGLO SALLY INNA ALIEN" and I say EGG SALAD SANDWICH IN THE ATM ??? and he points to the back of the resturante I will not lose my patiene nor my temper and realize he is trying to say "TABLE 6 NEEDS A CHECK"!!!!!
When I have my daily snack at my job which includes a banana, low fat yogurt, and a luna bar - which is all the daily nutrition that a woman needs- I will not hide in the back room because I am embarrised that I am eating a LUNA bar( all the daily nutrion that a woman needs) I will proudly eat in front of the customers and the staff and show off my LUNA bar and tell everyone that is giving me funny looks that a LUNA BAR IS ALL THE NUTRITION THAT A WOMAN NEEDS AND THAT IS HOW I GET MY DAILY NUTRITION and be proud.
when my work shift is over and i look at my phone and check my messages and see that my doctor, DR WOO, has left a message I will not think out loud OH SANK YOU FOR CALLING ME DR WOO, WILL COME FOR APPOINTMENT AND BRING NICE BIG BOWL OF CHOP SUEY FOR YOU ......DR WOO!!! because Dr Woo was born in the United States and does not speak like that and my friend Harry told me that is politically incorrect!!!!
As the evening comes to an end and I have just finished watching a net flix with Anne and I INSIST on mailing the net flix at the mail box that picks up mail at 7am the next day so we can get another movie as soon as possible I will not secretly make a trip to the brand new 7-11 that just opened between her apartment and the mail box and get the special TWO SLICES OF CHEESE PIZZA FOR $2.22 plus tax AND a microwave-able bean + cheese burrito that I will make in the 7-11 mircowave and chow it all down before I return to anne's place because I already had dinner 2 hours earlier and need to eat heathier and lose weight!!!!!
Before I go to sleep and look at facebook one more time and see that one of my college friends is getting married and read all the congratulatory comments I will not add " I AM STILL A HOMOSEXUAL. MEN MEN MEN!!!!!"
These are my new years resolutions......for 2012 !!
-Brother Mike Cohen